The Boundary Hangover

I’m a recovering people pleaser. There, I said it, and I say it with a whole lot of tenderness. For years I thought it was a character flaw. Now I understand it was my nervous system doing its very best to keep me safe. (I’ll share what that recently looked like for me in a moment.) People pleasing has much more to do with my HSP nervous system wiring than it does with any flaw in who I am. Once I made this connection, I found that the critical voice within me started to become a lot quieter. I’m recognizing now that yes, part of people pleasing is a learned behavior oftentimes stemming from family of origin and has environmental components too. Societal conditioning has taught women in particular that our worth depends upon people approving of us through our ability to be accommodating and/or nice, and to place this as a priority over authenticity.

The other aspect of people pleasing that very few people are talking about is the biological response factor. Think about it this way: you have a highly responsive nervous system, meaning you take in seemingly subtle information from the environment and other people in a very deep way. When something feels off, your nervous system catapults into sympathetic fight/flight or even into a parasympathetic collapsed state. Either way, you learned at a young age that when you weren’t gauging other people’s emotional well-being and the environment to create as much cohesion as possible, you were far more likely to become dysregulated. Pair that biological response with not being taught the tools to bring yourself back into regulation and bingo, you find yourself in a self-reinforcing loop of tending to others and the environment while neglecting your own needs, all in order to keep your nervous system as calm as possible.

Oftentimes our difficulties with boundaries as HSPs have so much more to do with being uncomfortable with other people’s reactions than with our own internal state. So rather than tuning inward, checking in with yourself, and identifying what you’re thinking, feeling, and sensing in your body, you learn to keep an outward focus, noticing how others are responding to you taking up space in the world. And if there is a “negative” reaction in any way, over time you learn how to bypass your own needs in order to make other people feel better, and voilà! You’ve got the endless people pleasing loop running circles in your day-to-day existence! This a common challenge I support people with every day in my work with HSPs.

Oftentimes we get so out of touch with our own internal guidance system that we don’t even realize we have needs, let alone know how to express them or ask others for support. If you view a lack of boundaries as a coping mechanism that helps keep you functioning in a more even-keeled way, then it’s easier to start having more compassion for yourself. Also, noticing what it feels like emotionally and in your body to have somehow disappointed someone is not an easy experience to be present with. Oftentimes, we learn how to push our needs further away, losing touch with our genuine autonomy. Over time, this pattern chips away at our sense of self, and we slowly shrink until we’re no longer sure who we are in relation to others, let alone who we are as our own sovereign beings.

Let me share what this looked like for me not long ago. I noticed that I had been saying yes to just about everyone who wanted my help. A favor here, a “quick” conversation there, an extra hour I didn’t really have to give. Each yes felt generous in the moment, but I was running on empty. So I did the brave thing and started putting some limits in place, including with a dear friend. And then my nervous system went berserk. My chest tightened, my stomach dropped, and my mind started racing through every way she might be hurt or upset with me. I wanted so badly to take it all back, to send a text smoothing things over, to explain myself until she felt better (and, honestly, until I felt better). I caught myself replaying the conversation over and over, scanning for any sign of disappointment. Nothing had actually gone wrong. But my body was responding as though I had put myself in danger, because for so long, keeping others happy was exactly what kept me feeling safe. I’ve come to think of this as the all too familiar boundary hangover, and if you’re an HSP, I’d bet you know it well.

So what do you do when the hangover hits? Here’s a practice I come back to again and again. The moment you feel the urge to take your boundary back, pause and place a hand wherever you feel it most, maybe your chest or your belly. Gently name what’s happening: “This is my nervous system, not an emergency.” Let your exhale be a little longer than your inhale for a few breaths, then look around the room and let your eyes land on a few things that remind your body you’re here and you’re safe. Finally, give yourself a waiting period before acting on the urge to text, explain, or fix. Twenty-four hours is a good place to start. Most of the time, the wave passes, and you’re left with something new: proof that you can disappoint someone and still be okay. Every time you stay with the discomfort instead of abandoning your boundary, you’re teaching your nervous system that your needs are safe to honor.

Yes, sometimes a lack of boundaries can be caused by insecurities and challenges around owning our self-worth. Absolutely. However, I think HSPs often don’t acknowledge the simple biological response happening underneath our conscious awareness that quietly begins to take over our way of functioning with others and contributes to an overall loss of our sense of self. When you pair that with the conditioning little girls in our society receive around just being nice, learning to placate rather than check in with themselves and discover their “no,” then you can see how deeply ingrained this “people pleasing” tendency can truly be.

My favorite definition of a boundary comes from Prentis Hemphill: “The distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” I love this because it reminds me that boundaries were never about loving others less. They’re about finally including ourselves in that love. As HSPs, we are so practiced at pouring our care outward, and so new at turning it toward ourselves. So if you’re in the thick of your own boundary hangover, please be gentle with yourself. Your nervous system isn’t failing you. It’s learning something new: that you can honor your needs and still be safe, still be loved, and still belong. For me, recovery doesn’t mean I never feel the pull to people please anymore. Oh, believe me, I still feel it! The difference is that now I can notice it, breathe through it, and choose myself anyway. And every time I do, I come back to my own frequency and remember who I am as a sovereign being. That is a gift I choose to give myself, over and over again.

So I’ll leave you with this question: what would it feel like to give yourself the same love you so freely give to others?

Be gentle with yourself,

Angie